A Lesson In Transparency

For an art project in college I had a teacher give the class miniature envelopes that people use when collecting stamps. The envelopes were semi-transparent and the only instructions were to use them for the next project. I held the miniature envelope in my hand and began to think. Usually, envelopes are opaque in order to protect the contents. I found the concept of a transparent one to be intriguing. I thought about being transparent as a person - saying what you mean and meaning what you say. I try to be as transparent as possible but found three people in my life who I had not expressed my feelings to. I wrote down my thoughts for these three people on transparent paper and presented them on a textured background to look as though they were antique. These are my letters.

The first letter I wrote to a friend of mine from high school. We had a Spanish class together and due to our last names being so close alphabetically we were usually seated next to each other. His friendship had a profound impact on me. 

Dear Terry,

You were one of my best friends in high school. Before I met you I didn't think anyone could completely understand my sense of humor. I never laughed harder with anyone than I did with you. Even though you didn't know it, you helped me become the person that I am today. I never told you this but you were the first boy that I ever wanted to ask out. Another girl was braver than me and you ended up dating her for years. I remember sitting with you outside the art department and you said that you dated her because you didn't feel like anyone else would want you. I wish I could have told you that wasn't true but I couldn't find the words. We ended up going to the same college but we drifted apart. I miss you. I just hope that wherever you are, you are making people laugh. You are one of the most colorful people I have ever met. I hope that one day I will get to tell you how wonderful you are.

The second letter was for my best friend in high school and my first roommate. She was my first and most painful experience in letting go of someone who was toxic. 

Dear Heather, 

I will always remember you as one of the great disasters of my life. You were one of my best friends for years. I was there for you when your father died. You slowly fell apart and I couldn't save you. Your depression got worse and you pushed me away. I did everything I could think of to help you. At first you acted like everything was fine, then you began to withdrawal. You dropped you classes and spent all of your time in your room. You knew you were depressed and you refused to get help. I tried not to take it personally but I was so angry that you seemed to enjoy things the way they were. My other friends didn't understand how I could live with you. I wanted to prove that I was there for you no matter what. In the end things got so bad that I had to walk away. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I still pray for you. 

The third letter was written for my father. 

Dear Dad, 

Lucky for me that I inherited your personality. I have learned so much about myself just from watching you. I've never been "daddy's little girl" but I still know you better than anyone else. I think that is why you get angry with me sometimes - because you can't hide from me. You always used to read me books that were over my head but it made me eager to keep up. Because of you I have a deep love for science and nature. When we were at home you played any kind of music you could get your hands on. You opened my ears to a world full of music. Your interest in world religions has made me a more well rounded and accepting person. The sense of humor that we share has gotten us into a lot of trouble. I never felt like I had to fit in or compromise myself because you never did. You made it easy for me to be myself even though you can't understand why I am an artist. 

After the assignment was done I thought more about the letters I had written. I decided that in order to be truly transparent I should communicate my feeling where they were applicable. I typed out Terry's letter and emailed it to him. To date I have never received a response. I decided against sending Heather's. Even though my heart went out to her I didn't feel that sending her the letter would do either one of us any good. 

However, I was able to give my father his letter in person on Father's Day. He didn't say much but I could tell that he loved it. It is always easier for us to talk about concepts rather than feelings, but this time it was expressed and tangible. Something to hold on to and look back on. 

Even though parts of this project were difficult and heart-breaking, it taught me a valuable lesson in being open, honest, and above all - transparent. 

The Light at BackBooth

I've never been much of a party girl. I hardly ever go to any of the bars downtown. However, one night I accompanied a friend to BackBooth where he was performing. The night was full of lively acts and I took several photographs. Although the best photograph I took that evening was of lamp hanging from the ceiling.

The interior of BackBooth boasts an Old English decor. Dark wood and heavy curtains accent its sturdy frame. At one point I looked up and took a moment to enjoy the design of the building. I paused when I saw this delicate lamp. Most of the people in BackBooth were too busy partying to notice what was above their heads. I love this photo because that beautifully glowing lamp looks like it could just as easily belong in the halls of some quiet Moroccan temple as it could be in a smokey bar in downtown Orlando.

Grounded: The Art of Looking Down (Part 5)

My feet with a grouping of shoes outside the Buddhist Temple of Tampa. Anyone wishing to enter the temple had to remove their shoes as a sign of respect. 

Walking up to the DRIP venue one day I noticed these beautiful yellow flowers in full bloom. 

Propping up my feet to watch an outdoor performance at the 2012 Orlando International Fringe Festival. 

Me waiting outside of Mellow Mushroom for my sister. A storm was approaching and once I was done taking pictures of the sky I turned my attention towards the ground. 

My roommate Myra has three pit bulls. Nobel, the oldest, usually prefers to sleep on his dog bed. The younger two must lay as close to me as possible while I am watching T.V. This shot also contains some of Myra's beautiful decorative lamps. I lay stretched over the couch while Raji, the black dog, seeks attention from Chewie, the brown dog. I love living in a place with so many affectionate dogs. They remind me so much of my own dog who past away a few years earlier. She was also part pit bull. 

The tree had been in my parent's front yard until it had to be removed. It was a very unusual tree and when it started to die the bark peeled away to reveal a smooth, wave-like texture. Once the tree had been cut down it become an unconventional road map of cracks from drying and the swirl pattern of the saw that cut it down. And even though the tree did grow to be exceptionally tall my entire body could fit into the diameter of the surprisingly narrow and sturdy trunk. 

Seaweed

I was lucky enough to go to Oceanography Camp right before I went to high school. I love science; especially biology. Living in a state surrounded by water you realize just how much life exists all around you. The things I learned at Oceanography camp have stuck with me over the years and it turns every day spent at the beach into an adventure.

On a trip home to St. Petersburg I found myself at the beach again. Periodically seaweed washes in from the Gulf of Mexico. Most tourist and beach goers try to avoid the unusual objects in the water but I see them differently. They float like exotic clouds in the gentle currents. I often pick them up to examine them. Some have shells stuck in their many fingers or small fish - still alive - seeking a little shelter in the vast ocean. I held this piece up to the sun to get a better look. I love the translucency and the beautiful range from soft rose to deep crimson. All the little beads of salt water sliding to the edges and falling back into the ocean. Something as simple as seaweed can serve as a visual haiku to remind us of all the amazing things hiding just beneath the surface. 

Grasshoppers

My new place is surrounded by Lubber Grasshoppers. Although they can seen exotic and intimidating I take comfort in their presence. Grasshoppers are a Chinese symbol of luck and abundance, suggesting that you will move forward by taking leaps of faith.

This one was climbing over my window just after it had finished raining. 

My roommate has a large paper lantern on our patio. One night we were outside playing with the dogs and I noticed this one. He was almost four inches long and his solid mass was carefully balance on the thin wood frame. His back legs were tucked in place under this body which meant that he was in for the night.  

The following day this slightly smaller grasshopper was climbing his way up to the paper lantern. With such stunning color and endless texture they are an interesting combination of elaborately decorated and highly armored. 

I caught this one peeking up at me from his sun bathing spot on one of the backyard plants. 

Fond Memories of Newport Colony

I have lived with my best friend Amber for a total of five years. The first two years we rented a house with two other girls, the remaining three years we rented an apartment together. This is a reflection back on our time spent at Newport Colony.

My cat lounging by the window on a rainy afternoon.

The smooth silhouette of a red-shouldered hawk in contrast to the ruffled foliage of the tree. 

Newport Colony was a very dog friendly community and when we moved in two of our immediate neighbors had a combined total of three black labs. Amber and I would often go downstairs to play with the dogs. Over time an old bird feeder had been repurposed to hold play things such as tennis balls and stuffed chew toys.

I brought my camera outside and began experimenting with whatever caught my attention. I was sorting leaves when I found this tiny black and orange bug. It is an Asian Multicolored Lady Beetle and it is the only one I have ever seen the entire three years I lived at that apartment. 

My cat basking in the early morning sun. 

This picture was pure luck. I was trying to get a good shot of these wild mushrooms but at the time I had accidentally messed with one of the photo settings on my camera. It was taking pictures, however, the viewfinder was completely blacked out so I couldn't actually see what I was photographing. After taking several blind shots of the mushrooms from above I finally decided to try and reset the camera. In my frustration I dropped it and decided to go back inside before I did any further damage. Amber helped me fix the settings and when I upload the photos I only had one clear, focused shot, which happened to have a great perspective. It was the shot that went off when I dropped the camera.

Amber training her new puppy as my cat intently observes from the second story window.

One of my favorite photos of Amber and Lexi. 

This lovely bouquet was a "just because" gift from Amber. 

This photo was taken after a stormy day as I was returning home to my apartment. 

The view of our apartment just after dusk. 

On this particular day I was washing my sheets. It didn't stop my cat from curling up as close to me as he could while I was working on my computer. 

A nice, clear day at the pond near the entrance of our apartment. 

I took this photo of one of the flood lights while I was taking a evening walk. 

A beautiful view of the sky shortly after sunset. I love the way the warm apartment lights are complemented by the soft purple of the sky. 

Rise Above

Years ago I was making a collage for an assignment. Instead of using as many images as I could find I decided to only limit myself to two sources. I only wanted to use material that had meaning to me. I chose a high fashion magazine and a National Geographic.

I tried to flip through the pages rapidly. When I came to an image that made me pause I cut it out immediately. I picked images and objects solely on impulse. After I had arranged the collage I was surprised buy the simplicity and the fact that it had become somewhat of an unintended Rorschach test. I saw my own life condensed on the paper in front of me.

At the time I made this piece my ex boyfriend and I were fighting. We had been broken up for quite some time but were trying to remain friends. Among other emotional problems he was facing depression as well. I had tried many different ways to communicate and reach out to him. However, it became clear over time that he was not willing to accept any help. 

My mother would often scold me for my impatient nature but one day she remarked about how patient I had been with him over the years. I thought about it for a minute and told her that the reason I had remained so loyal was because I had known him for so long and had such a clear impression of who he was as a person. I fought for him because I could still see how a good he was. I paused for a moment and played with the edge of the table cloth at my finger tips. I added that fighting for someone for so long was hard. Watching him decline was like watching a beautiful tree rot from the inside out. 

When I was flipping through the National Geographic I found a image of polar bear with blood from a fresh kill all over its mouth. I also had an old photo of my ex boyfriend making a silly face. His head fit right into the mouth of the polar bear, making it look as though he was being devoured. 

Metaphysically, polar bears represent endurance and transformation through introspection and solitude; to tap into emotions with clarity. These were all things that I wished for my ex but he refused to believe that he had those problems. I felt that the polar bear was the embodiment of his karma; all of the things he would not face coming back to swallow him whole. 

The woman in the black dress represents a roommate I had at the time I created this piece. She had the ability to be very smart and very strong but she often made the choice to be weak and superficial instead. She had a lot of things to take care of in her life but she focused on fashion and partying as much as she could. 

The image of stone hinge at her feet represented all the knowledge and history that has come through the world before her, but she has her blinders on. She was a pillar among her friends, the one they all looked up to. She was decorated and she was beautiful but at the end of the day she was nothing more than the image she projected. 

The man at the top was a reflection of myself. I thought of myself as an old-fashioned hard worker. I never pretended that I didn't have problems or try to party them away. I wanted to face my life openly and honestly and those were things that I didn't see my old roommate or my ex accomplishing. I was becoming bored and I wanted to leave them behind. I wanted to take my wings and this power and move on. 

After looking at this piece for a long time and seeing all of the meaning contained in its simple images I decided to title it "Rise Above". 

It is amazing how a simple collage can tell you so much about your own psyche. A visual time capsule of my life from years ago.