Renewed

The Greeter

The Crow’s Soul Weighs Heavy

Growing up I had my favorite yard birds. The cardinal and the blue jay were obvious favorites because of their bright colors, but the crow was appreciated for reasons that were different and far more profound. 

The backyard of our first house was large and square-shaped. Several old trees peppered the back yards throughout the neighborhood. I loved playing outside. At a very young age I caught a small black racer with my bare hands, fed peanuts to the squirrels, and learned how to trap and release frogs. My father always had a few bird feeders overflowing with seeds and took it upon himself to feed the local stray cats. The yard was always buzzing with activity. 

One day when I was about six years old I was standing in the dining room when my father came in from the back yard. The heavy wooden door creaked as he pushed through. Annoyed but not surprised he said “One of the cats caught a crow” as he walked past me.  

Curious, I ventured outside. 

I never saw the cat or the crow she caught, but I was taken aback by what I heard. 

A chorus of crows, all coming from the same tree. Loud and panicky, yet unmistakably focused. The sun was low in the afternoon sky behind the tree. Beams of light poking through the leaves illuminated the silhouettes of fluttering wings and open beaks. I had never seen so many crows in one tree. I had never heard such collective chaos. I was used to the typical calls of crows, but this was entirely different. 

“They’re saying goodbye” I whispered to myself in astonishment.

I stood there for several minutes, watching, listening. Right on the edge of the concrete slab; I never crossed into the grass. As intrigued as I was moving in to get a closer look felt like intrusion. This was a ritual. 

They were experiencing sorrow.

They understood what they had lost. 

They gathered to mourn the dead. 

Young as I was, I knew about death. A short time prior to this my mother’s dog got hit by a car. Patches was older and had been a part of the family long before I was born. My parents had friends over and it was dark out when they left. We were all in the driveway and everyone was exchanging small talk when patches got out and ran into the street. A young man driving by hit her. I remember the commotion as everyone rushed down to the street. The young man felt terrible. He said he didn’t see her until it was too late and apologized. My parents held no grudge. They knew she was old and it was dark out. They moved her up the driveway closer to the house. 

She was completely still. A small trickle of blood was slowly moving from behind her head. My mother, crying, knelt down beside her gently petting the soft, curly fur around her shoulder. She was already gone, but my mother still wanted to say goodbye. 

I had watched my mother perform the ritual of letting go. I could recognize it when I saw the crows do it. What I found so compelling about the crows was that it was the first time I witnessed a group of animals expressing grief. 

Growing up Catholic I was often confronted with people who claimed that animals didn’t have souls. When I was younger I didn’t know what to say so I would just nod politely. But I never believed that. Even if I couldn’t define it I knew something was there. Something bigger. Something magic and profound. The crows could feel it too. 

Crashing Down

You didn’t realize I could see your soul.

Lost and mangled,

Resentful thoughts with a mouth full of excuses. 

People like you love to be in control. 

You crave it because you think it gives you power.

But you don’t know what it’s like to harness the real thing. 

Power that comes from the inside.

The kind that burns through your chest. 

Purpose through the chaos. 

I will not be held back. 

I left you a long time ago,

All alone with your bad decisions. 

Curious, you ask “Do you ever miss me?”

The answer comes swift and sure.

“I miss the person you could have become”

I came back to watch your world come crashing down.

You will rise above but only as ashes,

A warning to others.

Fifteen

This little darling turns fifteen today. I adopted him three months after I moved to Orlando and he’s been with me ever since. Happy Birthday Jet!