I was on vacation helping my parents clean out the garage in early 2020 when I found out that everything was getting shut down due to COVID-19. I would be working from home and had no idea when I’d be back in the office. My manager had a feeling that was going to happen so she made sure I had taken my laptop with me. It still felt surreal.
I’d always worked from the office but I was lucky that I’d be able to continue working from home. I’d never have been able to do that at any of my previous jobs. I was able to get everything set up at my kitchen table and carry on.
In many ways I was incredibly lucky. I was safe at home, continuously working, and had limited physical contact with others. But the pandemic takes its toll on us all. The isolation hit first. I’ve always been an ambivert; someone equal parts introvert and extrovert. I would normally get my extrovert fix buy being social at work and then coming home to recharge in the evening. But without being able to see my coworkers and having all my friends quarantining, I was completely alone all the time. I don’t think anyone thought this would drag on as long as it has.
I missed swing dancing and fencing. I missed hanging out with my friends, playing with their kids, and physical affection. I missed seeing expressions on people’s faces. I missed not having to put on a mask every time I had to go to the grocery store. I missed having other places to go to. I lived alone for years before the pandemic and once I was cut off from friends and coworkers I realized how truly isolated I was.
I talked on the phone all day to clients and internal associates but it was extremely demanding. We had gotten overwhelmed with additional clients in 2019 due to a sloppy merger. We were still dealing with that mess when COVID-19 hit in 2020. Everything continued to spiral out of control. We weren’t staffed properly for the merger and no one was prepared for COVID-19. My 30 cases turned into 170. Everyones case load ballooned and the backlog was immense. And of course, clients still wanted everything yesterday. At first there was no overtime, then unlimited overtime. Unfortunately, it didn’t make a difference. No matter how much overtime you put in you could never get caught up.
I still tried. I threw myself into the work because there was literally nothing else I could do. If I couldn’t leave my house at least I could get paid overtime. I’d get angry calls all day and still bust my ass trying to help people late into the night. At the beginning of 2021 a few of us got transferred to a new team with a far less supportive manager. Predictably, things got worse still. Several of us had to attend a training class for how to handle escalations because our new manager had made it clear she was unwilling to assist her team. I hated the sound of the phone ringing, dreaded checking my email, and now I had no one to turn to for help. I was getting chronic headaches and eyes were starting to twitch. I took a leave of absence and went to a counselor.
I was prescribed an anti anxiety medication. My counselor and I both agreed that it was only something I needed temporarily until I could find a better job. But more importantly my counselor was someone I could actually have a productive conversation with. He helped me see that like so many others I was still learning how to navigate thru the pandemic. But I was giving too much to a job that was no longer a good fit. I was pushing myself so hard with the overtime I had no time for myself. Literally every waking moment of my day was being of service to others. In the beginning I loved the job because I could proactively help people, but the ongoing backlog made that impossible. He told me to make time for things that made me happy.
I got completely absorbed into coloring books. I would just blast music and color for hours. It was like meditation the way it cleared my head. It made me feel like a kid again. It had been so long since I’d felt that kind of joy. Fencing also started again around that time. I got to reconnect with people I hadn’t seen in what felt like an eternity. Slowly but surely I started to feel like myself again. I got vaccinated as soon as I could. I wanted to travel again too.
Those precious few weeks on a leave of absence did wonders for me. I’d been so wrapped up in the news and my job, always isolated and giving of myself. I hadn’t realized how little I was doing for my own well-being. My counselor also helped me to realize I needed to set better boundaries at work like limiting the amount of overtime I put in.
I came back to work hoping the situation would be better but it wasn’t. During my nine week absence the backlog was still raging on. More and more people were quitting. Honestly, I wasn’t surprised. Most of my cases had been closed but there was a handful no one had even bothered to look at. Lots of angry client emails. I was better about managing my time and not getting so overwhelmed but it wasn’t long before I was back to over a hundred cases.
I took more time off in July to visit Jordan in Texas. That had also been monumental for my emotional well being. I had missed him so much. I was having a difficult time with work and he was going through a painful divorce. We were both trying to center ourselves and found so much stability in each other. Seeing Jordan helped me reconnect to parts of myself I had forgotten about and help steel my resolve to go forward.
Shortly after my trip to Texas we began our return to the office. It was only two days a week and only half the office at any given time. I had been looking forward to it since I missed my coworkers and this felt like a return to normalcy. While it did feel good to see some familiar faces it also felt unexpectedly demoralizing. Only half the office was allowed at a time and so many people had quit over the past year and a half. There were so many empty desks. My favorite coworker had left without a word six months before we were allowed to return to the office. Before I went on my vacation to help my parents clean out the garage we had said our goodbyes assuming we’d see each other when I returned in a week. That was the last time I’d see him in person.
We’d still message each other thru the office chat while working from home. We’d make jokes, and vent to each other. Talking to him was often the only part of my day that felt normal, until one day when he was no longer showing up on the office chat. I found out through another coworker that he left to work at a different company. Now I get to walk past his empty desk every day.
Two weeks after returning to the office I found out another coworker who I worked with all the time had passed away suddenly from COVID-19. I was heartbroken. She was always the one I’d reach out to when I needed help. Always friendly and down to earth. She was only a few years older than me and we actually shared the same birthday. The first day back in the office she was one of the familiar faces I was so happy to see. She had stopped by my desk waving and smiling. I wanted to give her a big hug but I was on a call with a client. I assumed I’d get to catch up with her later but that would be the last time I’d see her.
I found out later that she was hospitalized a few days after we returned from the office. Her husband had caught COVID-19 and recovered, but she had begun experiencing breathing problems. She was admitted to the hospital where she seemed to be doing ok. There was even talk of when she would be released to go home. Unfortunately, her condition deteriorated rapidly and she passed just days before her birthday.
Her death was extremely upsetting but was made worse by the fact that no one really talked about. No managers mentioned it, no one asked if we were ok. Just carry on in this sea of empty desks.
It was around this time that a friend reached out to see if I would rescue a stray cat that was hanging around her office. At first I said no, but it didn’t take long for her to wear me down. I was still adjusting to having three cats when I found out she was pregnant. I had to use a different vet than my regular one because my regular vet was closed on Saturdays and that was the only day I could pick her up. The new vet had assured me she was not pregnant even though I kept asking. I’ve owned many cats over the years and was suspicious that I had miraculously picked up a female of breeding age who was not pregnant. I’d even called back and raised concerns about her swollen belly but they dismissed it. It wasn’t until I had taken her back to be fixed, after they pumped her full of anesthesia, that one of the vet techs decided to do an X-ray.
They called me fifteen minutes after I dropped her off to tell me the news. Stunned, I turned around to come get her. The vets office also decided to surprise me with an enormous bill that included the X-ray they decided to do without discussing with me. The tech tried to explain the situation while she loaded the drowsy cat back into my car. I was furious. I would never have made her go through any of this if I had known; if they had done their job correctly in the first place. She ended up having the kittens that same day. I felt guilty that she may have delivered early from the unnecessary stress.
In a matter of hours I had gone from three cats to six cats. I was nervous that she may not know what to do since she was so young herself and this was most likely her first litter. But thankfully she was full of good instincts and was a caring and attentive mother.
I still felt like a mess. I was overwhelmed at my job and had been unsuccessful at finding better work for months. I was trying to make more time for myself but had suddenly ended up taking on more responsibility. I had some time off around my birthday to visit family but I had to cancel to monitor the newborn kittens.
After coming off my recent trip to Texas it felt somewhat comforting to continue my mothering streak in some way. The last kitten I had raised was when I first got Kobi back in 2014. And they also reminded me of when I hand raised Jet as a kitten right after moving to Orlando. With all the empty desks and angry customers at work it felt good to have an overflowing home.
As much as I loved them I knew I would not be able to keep them. I cuddled them and played with them as much as I could. I wanted to make them comfortable with human contact so their transitions to new homes would be as easy as possible. I knew Jade would stay with me. Rescued strays need more understanding as they may never get fully accustomed to human contact. Luckily the kittens all found wonderful homes with friends I had made within the SCA.
And the job situation improved in the strangest way possible. At first I found work in a bank through a friend. It was a relief to be in a more peaceful situation but I was only there for three weeks before a better offer came through. I am now able to full work from home again. It was an unusual transition in a strange and emotional year. Things are slowly feeling more stable but I am still not sure what normal is anymore.
Both of my grandfathers lived through the Great Depression. I often wonder how COVID-19 will shape our generation. How will we wear our battle scars? I know I was luckier than most, but it has taken a toll on us all. And we’re all still navigating through this mess.
