A few days ago I went over to a friends house to discuss some upcoming plans. As the conversation went on he told me that he agreed with my position on something we had spoken about earlier. He initially wanted to do something reckless and I advised against it. He has a tendency to make bold decisions and I was surprised he agreed with me.
“Are you familiar with the tarot deck?” He asked.
“Somewhat”
“So, traditionally on The Fool card there is a man ready to walk over the edge of a cliff and there is a dog who is trying to warn him. I’m the fool and you are the little dog” he said with a laugh.
I knew what he meant but as soon as he said it I could feel my heart sink. The mood shifted and I avoided eye contact. Struggling to gather my thoughts. He could tell something was wrong.
Years ago I had an ex who would whistle at me like a dog when he wanted my attention. Thoughtless, detached, and superior - he wanted my obedience.
During my time with DRIP I had done so many different things over the years but whenever someone was tasked with describing what I did, it was typically reduced to “oh, she is so loyal”. I knew it was a compliment but it always stung a little. My greatest attribute was always seen as my ability to stay the longest.
Once I had gathered my thoughts, I told my friend how I felt and he apologized. I knew it was not his intention to upset me.
Truth be told, another recent event was weighing heavy on my mind. Over the past several months I had become good friends with a coworker. Although we had never met in person we formed a close bond due to the many challenges we had to face. We were both new to the company and had gone through three managers within months.
One Friday he spontaneously asked if I wanted to meet up after work for dinner. I was excited to finally met him in person so I agreed. Shortly before I was going to head out he canceled abruptly. He said he just wasn’t feeling like driving.
I get it. I was a whim. He made plans when he was bored and now he wasn’t bored anymore. I shouldn’t have let it get to me but it did. It wasn’t just him but a long list of guys over the years who treated me like I was disposable. I don’t know what it is about me that makes me everyone’s favorite second choice.
But now here I was at another friends house, and he put into words so succinctly what I had felt for so long. I was the loyal little dog. Ever present, kind-hearted, and willing to stick it out to the end. Given scrapes of affection. But not an equal.
In many ways my loyalty is above reproach, but it was the same loyalty that made me cling to bad relationships and one sided situations. I often realized far too late that I was the only one giving.
Maybe I am creating insults where none exist, a lot of these people had no intention of hurting me. But I yearn to be admired for more than my loyalty and my ability to stay.
