Goddess of War

I want love scratched from my memory. Remove it from the back of my eyelids so I may have one place to find solace. Take it from my heart for it interferes with the rhythm of my joy.

Or maybe it’s just your version of it that I've grown distasteful of.  

It is a blessing to have a courageous heart and strong mind but a curse to be the only one. I still know what treasures they are so I refuse to wish them away. I will cultivate them and make them my most powerful weapons. Yet I still crave to be more at peace with my destiny:

“Stay on the path as much as you can. It is your path only.”

A message given from the Oracle -  I already know these words will haunt me.

Those who assume themselves to be victors are the ones who perceive love to be a game. 

But I am not the Queen of Hearts; I am the Goddess of War.

And you cannot conquer something you cannot control. If you knew what forces you were provoking you would never tempt Fate.

Love, seduction, and scandal belong to Aphrodite. I have no use for them. I want justice. Retribution. Let this be my battle cry. I want to use your sins as currency. You will be in debt for mistakes you could never afford to make.

You can not bargain with me because you do not have anything I want. My ears are deaf to the pleas of the weak. If you were fighting for the right reasons you never have to beg for anything - especially forgiveness. The dead weight of your corrupt heart is more burden than I would ever choose to bare.

There is a reason I don't take prisoners. 

Thank You For Reminding Me

Thank you for reminding me that even though I don't always get what I want, I do always get just what I need.

Thank you for reminding me that new friendships can be just as meaningful as ones that have a long history.

Thank you for reminding me of the joy of checking my phone for no other reason than the messages you send make me smile.

Thank you for reminding me that swearing, sarcasm, and making random noises at each other can be the basis of a language that is good enough to be ours alone.

Thank you for reminding me that unladylike behavior can get you farther in life than following the rules. And that being called a bitch by someone of like mind is a compliment just as much as it is coming from someone who is threatened by you.

Thank you for reminding me that being unique and intimidating is nothing to apologize for.

Thank you for reminding me that this job only pays minimum wage and we are going to make it worth while by laughing through it. You can turn a mundane day into magic.

Thank you for reminding me that moving past the hurt of previous relationships can be beautiful and liberating. I wish I had your strength years ago.

Thank you for reminding me that giving the boys a run for their money is giving them just what they need. The strong ones will understand.

Thank you for reminding me that drinking wine, painting nails, and talking shit are the ties that bind.

Thank you for reminding me what it feels like to have one female friend who not only reminds me of my childhood but makes me feel like my inner child is the most accessible part of myself.

Thank you for reminding me that I need to make more time to enjoy life. You have given me so many reasons to laugh.

Thank you for reminding me that getting into trouble is completely worth it.

Thank you for reminding me that being smart, tough, and crazy is the only way to be.

Swing

At DRIP the crew and I arrive early to set up the show. One day I left the room for a few minutes and when I came back Tink and Dimitri had decided it was play time. 

Their moves could have put the performers to shame. 

I love having a job that allows me to access my inner child so readily and I cherish the fun we can muster even on the busiest of days. These two can light the room with their smiles.

The Murky Depths

During my trip to the Tampa Aquarium one of the most captivating creatures I came across was also one of the most challenging to get a good look at - the Octopus. 

At first I approached the dark tank not sure what I was supposed to be looking at. Then I saw one long arm pressed against the glass towards the bottom. He was hiding in the shadows under a rocky canopy. 

He was difficult to see and most other people at the aquarium passed by without a second look. I knelt down to be at his eye level. He moved his tentacle aside and shifted to get a better look at me. 

We started at each other for a few moments.

For such a foreign looking animal people often over look how intelligent they are. Beautifully sensitive and surprisingly powerful, there is a long list of things they are capable of. They can detect signs of underwater volcanic activity well before any tangible clues become evident and they have an astonishing ability to change the color and texture of their skin in the blink of an eye.

There are also many stories of octopi who have escaped tanks only to be found walking around in a lab or breaking in to food storage containers.

We continue to study each other through the glass that divides our two lives and I wonder if he requires any special precautions.

The Tampa Aquarium

One day my best friend Amber called me and asked if I would take a trip to Tampa for a girls weekend. I jumped at the chance. She had recently gotten married and I was working two jobs so we hadn't had many chances to catch up with each other. A weekend to ourselves sounded like a perfect idea. 

On a whim we ended up going to the Florida Aquarium. I hadn't been in years and I loved every minute of it. 

The Upside Down Jellyfish. Normally it does what its name suggests, but these three individuals were pulsing with their bells pressed against the glass. 

This stream of bubbles was filtering its way up to the top of one of the tanks. I love the way I was able to catch the view from under the surface of the water all the way up to trees and glass ceiling above. 

This lovely little Sea Turtle had a missing front flipper from a previous accident. I was lucky enough to snap this shot while he was resting at the bottom just as a shark was swimming past. 

Some tiny fish darting past some elegant sea grass. 

Amber silhouetted in the process of capturing the image of a fish against the neon backdrop of the tank. 

Certainly one of my more unique shots from the trip. This tank was supposed to hold a tiny octopus but was instead undergoing some minor renovations. 

Stunning shot of a beam of sunlight slicing through a murky tank. 

A school of Lookdowns swirling around a column. 

One of my absolute favorite places in any aquarium is the Stingray touch tank. Once the harmful barbs are removed these surprisingly docile creatures become easily approachable. I never get tired of watching children smile when one glides just under their finger tips. I was lucky enough to get a shot of this young man petting one of the Stingrays who seemed to enjoy the attention. 

A delicate Sea Horse gently wrapped around a small patch of sea weed. 

A "bouquet" of Sea Horses. 

I took this photo on the drive home. The famous Sunshine Skyway Bridge in the distance behind the rain drizzled windshield. 

Morning Routine

There aren't many occasions where I get to sleep in. Those lazy morning usually start early anyway.

My cat loves to wake me up around 8:00am so I can feed him. After he is done eating he will climb back on my bed and insist that I open up the blinds for him so that he can enjoy the view.  He will lay on the pillow as close to my face as possible, and together we greet the day.

The Only One

My father is an only child who's mother passed away when he was twelve. Her name was Marie and she died 23 years before I was born but my parents gave me her name as my middle name. There aren't many photos from my dad's side of the family, but I treasure the ones we have.

Years ago I was looking through some of the photos and I came across an unusual one. It was a small photo of my father sitting in between my grandparents holding the family dog. The frame was very old and seemed heavy and awkward. I asked my father about it and he told me that it wasn't actually a picture frame at all. It was an old clock that had stopped working. Rather than repair it, my grandfather took out all the internal mechanisms and inserted the photograph. I feel in love with it right then and there. Not only was it a beautiful photo but it resided in a frame that my grandfather had made. He loved the clock so much that he wanted to use it to hold a family photo.

The last time I saw my grandfather was when I was twelve years old. He lived in Wisconsin and his house seemed like it was filled with magic. The two story house was old and it was stuffed with relics from the past. I had never seen so many antiques packed into one place before. It was interesting because they belonged to him and everything had a story.

I remember when we visited I stayed in the room in the attic, which had been my father’s old bedroom. It was hot because there was little air circulation from the rest of the house. I found a box with a desk fan from the 60's which had never been opened. I pulled out the fan - it had these bright blue translucent blades and it was in perfect condition. I plugged it in and worked flawlessly. I also found one of the purses my grandmother used to have. My grandfather had kept it all those years. When I opened it I found a tube of her lipstick that was half used. The tip was shaped by the angle she held it at her mouth when she applied it. I also found her emergency card with instructions on how to take care of her diabetes if she every became ill while she was out. I remember sitting in the attic with tears rolling down my cheeks. The only thing I ever had from my grandmother was her name. To sit there and hold something that she had with her everyday was beautiful. I never felt so close to my grandmother.

I felt the same way when I held the old clock that my grandfather had turned into a picture frame. He passed away a few years after we had visited him. His house was sold and we only had a few things left that belonged to him. The most meaningful one to me was the clock he loved enough to re-purpose into a frame for a family photo. I loved the photo of my family but I also loved it even more because it was in something that he worked on.

For years I had it proudly displayed my room. When I moved to Orlando it moved with me. Eight moves in under ten years and that photo has always been in a place of honor.

Recently my parents came to visit me and my father noticed the photo. He hadn't seen it in years. He held it in his hands and said "Take good care of this. It is the only photo of me and my parents together."

"Really?" I was shocked "This is the only photo of you, grandma, and grandpa together?"
"Yes" He said "This is the only one."

I guess it was hard for me to believe at first. Cameras are so pervasive today but they were far less common and much more expensive when my father was a child. I had loved this photo all these years and I am still finding out how unique and special that it truly is.

The photo of my grandfather, father, and grandmother from April 1959. Approximately one year before my grandmother passed way. My father, who was eleven at the time, is holding the family dog Terry in his lap. (We love to tease my mother about this because her name is Terri). They are sitting on the couch that was in the living room in their house in Wisconsin. The photo was taken by family friends and you can see their reflection in the mirror above my grandparents heads as well as the flash that went off when the photo was taken.

I chose to shoot this photograph on the sidewalk outside of my apartment. To me it has become a beautiful symbol of the passing of time. The photo was taken in black and white in Wisconsin in 1959, placed in an antique clock by my grandfather and kept all these years. It was taken down to Florida and it now kept by me - the oldest grandchild the one who is named after my grandmother.