After a long time of being single I decided to try dating again. I dated a man I met online in early 2024. He lived in Jacksonville and we often made the drive to visit each other. He seemed nice enough at first, but things got rocky quickly.
He was temperamental and uncompromising, although he often expected me to bend to accommodate his life. He spoke of harmony and balance but would start fights out of nowhere. He emphasized mental health but would often use therapy speak to sound more knowledgeable than he actually was.
We had broken up about a month in but decided to give it another try a few weeks later. It went well for a little while but inevitably, things went south. I made the two hour drive to visit him and shortly after I arrived he picked a fight with me over unplugging my own computer from the wall. He would continue this ridiculous flight for almost an hour. I remember sitting on the edge of his bed, watching him yell, and thinking “this will never get better”. I abruptly stood up and announced that I was leaving.
In the past, I would stay in relationships out of a misguided sense of devotion. Over the years I learned that not every relationship is worth saving. I always felt small around him and frankly, he was never going to be happy anyway. He thought I was bluffing until he watched me drive away.
I spent too much of this precious life arguing with men who claimed to love me.
What surprised me was how fast life was going to turn around. I met Max at fencing practice. He had been involved in the SCA for years and had recently moved back in the area from Gainesville. He had been divorced and we initially bonded over our experience with turbulent relationships. We got to know each other better through fighter practice and he even surprised me with a book on medieval Spanish armor and tapestries. At the time I was still dating the man from Jacksonville but it definitely made me question if I was dating the right person.
A few weeks after the break up Max took me on a date to a museum. We had a wonderful time. It was night and day from my previous relationship. Max was thoughtful and considerate. We enjoyed talking and learning about each other, and we had lots of shared interests. I felt calm around him. I never had to fight to be heard. He was open and honest - and strangely, it took a while to adjust.
I had been single for a long time, and was very isolated during Covid. I got so used to being independent. And then to come off a bad relationship directly into something that felt so safe was unusual. Normally, after a breakup it takes me years to find another person I want to date. But this time something good fell right into my lap. I kept having to remind myself that it was perfectly okay to be happy.
Things were going pretty well until the election. We both voted early and for Kamala Harris. Orlando is a blue bubble in a red state but I always get disheartened watching Florida turn red. Then I stayed up all night hoping to watch other states go blue. But it wasn’t enough. Disbelief turned to horror. I spent the morning in tears consoling friends via text. I spent the rest of the day trying to work from home but unable to focus.
It is hard to come to grips with all the things that went wrong and all the things that were going to go wrong. I was furious that my LGBTQ+ friends had to live in fear again. Furious that minorities would continue to struggle. Furious that my friends were upset their children had less rights. There were many things to be upset over. On a very personal level, I had to face the reality that I would never have children. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I struggled through a few economic recessions, worked my way up in my career, and survived Covid. I waited forty one years to find someone I loved enough and felt comfortable enough to raise a family with, and it still won’t matter.
My mother had children later in life, but several of my friends have had fertility issues. Given my age, I have a higher likelihood of having complications. In Florida there was an amendment on the ballot for abortion care, it got majority approval with 57% in favor. But because it did make the 60% threshold it didn’t pass. If I did get pregnant and have a complication, no doctor in Florida would help me. The nearest state that I would be able to get a life saving abortion would be Virginia. And if for some reason I couldn’t get there in time, I would die. There is no safety net anymore, the risk is too high. Given the way the presidential election went, things are likely to get much worse on a national level.
It burns even more because several members of my family voted my rights away. They weren’t even fully aware until it was too late. I had to have several heartbreaking conversations with my own relatives before and after the election and it didn’t matter. No matter what I say they still think everything will be ok and I should just “live my life”. I cannot ignore the very real dangers of the situation. Just like I cannot ignore the fact that they pray for me one minute, and vote against my rights the next minute.
I’ve had to mourn the life I wanted many times. For years I thought that I would just go through this life alone and I had to make peace with that. I finally found someone that I could have a future with later in life. Three months into that very new relationship we had to have a frank and heartbreaking discussion about the fact that I may never be able to have children. I could never have imagined that things would fall into place just in time for my rights to be taken away. I have a supportive partner, but my parents had more rights when I was born than I do now. My friend's children may have even less and it makes me sick to think about.
Even if I had a child why would I want to raise them in a county that wants to roll back vaccines? A county that wants to dismantle the Department of Education? A country that doesn’t care if they get shot at school? A country that would demonize them if they were LGBTQ+?
A few months later at the inauguration Elon did the nazi salute twice on live TV. There is absolutely no mistaking what that was. That was not autism and that was not an accident. I have nothing but contempt for that man. And Donald with his thirty four felonies should have been jailed years ago. Both complete failures masquerading as business men. None of these jackasses should be in power.
I still had a relative defend them in a group chat. It disgusted me to my core. There are those in my family that prefer peace at all costs. But you can never have peace with people like that. I can’t unsee these patterns of ignorance and bigotry. I can not let this thrive around me.
I had to mourn the life I wanted many times. I had to mourn the country I thought I lived in too. This isn’t the America I was sold as a child. I had to grieve what I thought it was to see it for what it really is. But there are a lot of minorities who always knew that. They always saw it without the veneer I grew up with. It was a nice idea, but it was never really there.
Accepting the reality of the situation is painful, but it is necessary. That’s the only way things change. This was a piece I never wanted to write. I never wanted to talk about my disappointment about not being able to have children. This was a very private part of my life. In light of all the rights being taken away there are hundreds of women who have taken to the internet to share their heartbreaking personal experiences. That is bravery that I did not have for a very long time. There are also many people, like myself, who believe that women should not have to put their trauma on the internet in order to convince others that we are worthy of rights and our own autonomy.
I thought things would at least be a little better by now, but that was my wish before the election. I never thought I would have to convince people that minorities should have rights, or that a country built on immigration should accept immigrants, or for fuck's sake explain why fascism is bad.
I never wanted to write this piece.
I remember consoling a friend in the days after the election. She was terrified for her daughter’s future. I told her this was a long haul fight. There are many different ways to resist. Rest when you need to, fight when you can, and don’t forget to be happy. There are going to be times when you need to cry and scream, and by all means, do so. But make sure in all this mess that you find your happiness. And treat it as sacred.
